"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." -Psalm 19:14
There has been a lot on my plate lately. I am taking 19.5 credits worth of school, working 17 hours a week, planning a new ministry here on campus, about to start ministry with middle school kids again, baseball is starting, my friends need me, the list goes on and on and on it seems. And quite frankly it's starting to get to me, not much sleep, stress, anxiety, worries, and so much more. I do not know where my head is at most of the time. I am constantly distracted, worrying about what is about to happen or what I need to do or who I need to talk to about something. The best way to describe it right now is overwhelming. Somethings gotta give soon, I guess. The problem: all of those things are important to me, and I feel like I can handle them, I just have done a poor job of it lately.
So here's the paradox that I'm having.. these feelings of stress, and anxiety, and overwhelmingness (I know it's not a word but just go with it) that I am experiencing do not mesh with the Love that I wish I had for my Savior. I know for a fact that worrying is not right! I have had the conversation with many, the fact is that when we worry we are saying that God cannot handle what we are going through, or that what we can do is better than what he can do. I am so in love with my God right now that I strive for him all the time. This is where I don't think my head and my heart are matching up. My heart is telling me to just trust and relax and to focus on God, while my head is working so fast that it only realizes glimpses of my heart, like a person saying hi as they are running past you.
I know that none of this makes sense....
Okay so to make this blog even more valid, I am now continuing it some 3 weeks later. I am/was/am overwhelmed. The past two and half weeks or whatever have been... I don't know, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes (and I don't cry). Where am I? Where have I been? What am I doing? I'm lost, I'm just so apathetic. The past weeks, month, or whatever have been filled with so many up's and down's and late nights and early mornings and I just don't see them stopping anytime soon. Which is discouraging to me, very discouraging. All aspects of myself are exhausted. I have no energy or motivation or anything left really. I'm disappointed in myself for letting it get this far. I have made many mistakes and poor decisions, but I have also done something things that I know God has been involved in. I just don't know, I have felt lately that something bad is about to happen and I don't know what it is or if it even will. I'm really at a lost for words... but that was yesterday.
So here's the paradox that I'm having.. these feelings of stress, and anxiety, and overwhelmingness (I know it's not a word but just go with it) that I am experiencing do not mesh with the Love that I wish I had for my Savior. I know for a fact that worrying is not right! I have had the conversation with many, the fact is that when we worry we are saying that God cannot handle what we are going through, or that what we can do is better than what he can do. I am so in love with my God right now that I strive for him all the time. This is where I don't think my head and my heart are matching up. My heart is telling me to just trust and relax and to focus on God, while my head is working so fast that it only realizes glimpses of my heart, like a person saying hi as they are running past you.
I know that none of this makes sense....
Okay so to make this blog even more valid, I am now continuing it some 3 weeks later. I am/was/am overwhelmed. The past two and half weeks or whatever have been... I don't know, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes (and I don't cry). Where am I? Where have I been? What am I doing? I'm lost, I'm just so apathetic. The past weeks, month, or whatever have been filled with so many up's and down's and late nights and early mornings and I just don't see them stopping anytime soon. Which is discouraging to me, very discouraging. All aspects of myself are exhausted. I have no energy or motivation or anything left really. I'm disappointed in myself for letting it get this far. I have made many mistakes and poor decisions, but I have also done something things that I know God has been involved in. I just don't know, I have felt lately that something bad is about to happen and I don't know what it is or if it even will. I'm really at a lost for words... but that was yesterday.
"But for you, O Lord, do I wait;
it is you, O Lord my God, who will
answer...
For I am ready to fall,
and my pain is ever before me.
I confess my iniquity;
I am sorry for my sin.
But my foes are vigorous, they are
mighty,
and many are those who hate me
wrongfully.
Those who render me evil for good
accuse me because I follow after good.
Do not forsake me, O Lord!
O my God, be not far from me!
Make haste to help me,
O Lord, my salvation!
-Psalm 38:15,17-22
it is you, O Lord my God, who will
answer...
For I am ready to fall,
and my pain is ever before me.
I confess my iniquity;
I am sorry for my sin.
But my foes are vigorous, they are
mighty,
and many are those who hate me
wrongfully.
Those who render me evil for good
accuse me because I follow after good.
Do not forsake me, O Lord!
O my God, be not far from me!
Make haste to help me,
O Lord, my salvation!
-Psalm 38:15,17-22
This is the prayer that I know literally pray to myself at night, after reading it a few nights ago. I need so desperately to remind myself of God's unfailing, steadfast love for me. He is and always will be faithful to me my friend said, and I know that I really do, I guess I just forget sometimes. I lose track of things, because well my heart is in the wrong place I guess. I pray that the Lord is my salvation and that I can feel him near me at all times, because honestly I cannot feel Him right now, and it's scary. It feels like I am being attacked and I am defending myself by myself, and I know I can't hold on much longer without Him. That's why I call out for his rest, his peace, his strength, his salvation, his protection, his love. Lord I am so sorry for my sin, my error, my ignorance, my rebellion against you, I am sorry that I have pushed you away, but now I am screaming at the top of lungs for you to come back to me! All I want is you! All I need is you! God I need to hear your voice! God be the light that eliminates all my darkness! God consume me so that I may no longer be consumed by this world and the things of this world! God thank you so much for the love that you have shown me and will continue to show me, thank you for being faithful even though I may doubt you. God let me just proclaim with all that I am that "I am yours and you are mine!" God I will praise you this storm and continue to seek you. I want to see your face! I want to feel you arms around me! I want to hear your voice! God hear my cry! Come with much haste! Take all of me God, leave nothing left for me! God be my shield and refuge, be my rock and redeemer, be my all in all. For God your steadfast love is better than life, and it is because of this my lips will praise you forever and ever and ever, through the highs and lows. And to you be the glory, honor, and praise for all of eternity!
