Clarity

You are God. You are God. Of all else I'm letting go!

Okay so I don't really know where to begin, well because there is so much going on at once in my brain I can barely think straight. Welp no better place to start than the beginning...

1. I want to quit school and leave this country. Why you might ask? Well because I just want to live for Jesus all the time. I want to do ministry 24/7, and I feel like school is getting in the way of that. I don't want to have to wait 2 1/2 more years, I yearn so much to serve. I know, I know, school is there to help me prepare for ministry, to make me a better minister, but it doesn't matter how much I rationalize it, my heart wants to be in a position of serving all the time. And why out of this country you might ask? I'm over the shallowness, consumerism, and lack of commitment that this country and Christians in it have. I know that sounds harsh, but I can't stop thinking about how can I truly call myself a follower of Jesus Christ and yet live the way I do... always wanting more, thinking of only myself, and being comfortable with being comfortable. These are all things encouraged by this country but opposed by my Savior. I want to go and serve the people who have nothing, I want to show hope to the hopeless, I want to share the gospel with people who have never even heard of it. I want to be authentic in all that I do. I pray that God just gives me patience, energy, and a renewed sense of trusting him. I know his timing is better than mine, and his ways are better than mine. I just need clarity. God give me clarity.

2. My selfishness. How can I be so distraught, and worried about myself? Some people have real problems! Life and Death problems! God forgive me, for thinking of myself too much. I have friends in much need of prayer, more prayer than I could ever need, and yet when I talk to them they say "I'm praying for you, Austin." Me? Why? You need it so much than I! I want to be that unselfish, that when I'm going through life's toughest struggles (like death) I will be able to put my friends above me. With that said, I have friends who need clarity. They need to make the right decisions, and these are decisions where right is not so clear, or they refuse to see what is right. God give them clarity. Pray for clarity for my friends.

3. Irony. As I write this blog I find the irony in about everything I say. All I need to do is trust, and let go right? Right. I know this, but... but nothing "just trust" is what God says to me (literally as I am righting this). God is God and that is all I need to know. He will make all things work for my good. I need peace, and he is peace. Duh! I need clarity, but the things that are clouding my vision, I put there. The times that I feel the most alive and fulfilled and authentic is when I'm focused on Jesus. So God, help me focus. Forgive me for the things I put in my way that cloud my vision of you. Help me remove them from my sight. God for my friends please help them focus on you as well, knowing that is when clarity comes the most for them as well.

4. Prayer.

Yahweh!
I call on your most holy name right now. You are so awesome and mighty and incredible. And I am not. Thank you for your steadfast love, and untiring pursuit of my heart. God I pray for my friends, you know who they are. Protect them, Father. Be their rock, refuge, shield, and sword. God help them focus on you, so that things will be the most clear and true for them. God help their decisions line up with your will. God of Justice, be just. God of Peace, bring peace. God of Knowledge, bring wisdom. God be God. Father I pray for focus, and trust, and for your heart to take the place of mine. Thank you so much for your son and his life, death, and resurrection. To you be all the glory, honor, and praise, forever and ever. In Jesus' name, Amen.

-a man yearning to do the Father's will.

Faint Not

He is the person I miss the most.

He is the person I wish I could see right now.
He is the man that I wish I could be like.
If only I could go back and relive all those times we had together.

My heart feels a void without him, and he's not even gone yet.
I don't know what I'm suppose to feel right now, but sadness, hurt, anger, regret, are all that come to mind.
If only things could go back to how they were.
He doesn't even know who I am anymore.

I had to write a poem in a class, about the problem of theodicy (how can God allow evil in the world), I don't it just made me think more about him and it just saddened me even more. I don't know I just miss him a lot, and he has been on my heart for a long time now.

People just turn to unknown faces
And memories disappear, like a ship in the fog
I don't even remember where I am
Never have I been so afraid
How can god let this happen?
Under all that goodness why allow such suffering
"Run and get me that wrench so I can fix this here car."
There is no car there, I say to him
And the tears roll down our faces like a river.
Nothing can dam up these tears, these fears, these doubts.
Did he just forget about us, does he not care?
Joy is a foreign word to me, because I cannot see you, yet
Under your arms I am content.
Strength has left me, yet like a
Tree trunk you hold me up.
I know I shouldn't doubt you, rather I should be like the angels
Calling out "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord," because
Even in all the pain and hurt I know you are just, and that you love me.



I love you papa, and I miss you so much.

-a man who's heart is weary and hurt, but knows God love is steadfast and overwhelming.

Desires of My Heart

Psalm 37:3-4 "Trust in the Lord, and do good dwell in the land
and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart."

I don't know sometimes... what I write feels like just words, like they don't even matter. But I write anyways hoping that someone might learn from my mistakes... that I may learn from my mistakes... that maybe somehow in me writing, I may take what I know and apply it. I don't know it all just seems so frivolous. But anyways.... here's what I've been going through lately, and try to hang with me. I know I'm not the greatest writer and this is going to be hard to put into words.

Priorities. Yikes, how that word brings up so many thoughts and emotions. Just sit and dwell on it a little bit. If you're like me at all, defense is the first choice. Mine are good. I mean I love God, that's all that matters right? He is a priority on the list. He is involved in my day, but I still have other things I have to do, as well. These are just some of the thoughts that flow into my mind. I try to rationalize the fact that God is not at the forefront of my life, or my decisions, at all times. I am constantly forgetting. Forgetting how he is a jealous God, and a God who wants all of me. He does not want bits a pieces, or the leftovers. Whenever I put anything before him in my life that automatically becomes an idol and god to me. This can be anything, even things that are not sinful in themselves, relationships, ministries, just everyday life (just anything that comes between you and your focus on God and his will).

Selfishness. It's another word that I would deny is me in a heartbeat. I do things for other people. I hold the door for people. I'm nice. I care. I buy my friends food... but if we get down to it the majority, if not all, of our thoughts, words, actions are centered around what is best for us. This is the main thing that gets in the way of us and God. I believe that almost, and most likely, every single sin can be traced back to pride or selfishness in some way. Why do we think that we know what is better for us over God? It dumbfounds me. In my time of distress, I quickly start looking for solutions, which is a bad thing necessarily, but those solutions come from me, and my thinking, and what I think is best for me. And yet I say God is a priority. A part of my life. Here's the thing and listen to me close... God does not want to be "a" priority in our lives. He wants to be "the" priority. In fact, He demands nothing less. He will not accept anything less. How can I profess one thing with my mouth, and live in a different manner? How can I say God is Lord of my life and not show it in every thing big, small, important, minuscule, routine that I do? God will not except my lukewarmness! He will spit me out! I know that it seems like I'm preaching but this is something that is hitting me harder than it will probably hit any of you.

The Priority. God. Simple as that right? Yes... really it is. How can it be that simple though? Reread the verse at the top of the page. This is what I got out of it, in the context of priorities, and the desires of my heart. God does not just want to on the list of priorities you have, he wants to be the essence, the fulfillment, the basis for all of those priorities. I want so much in my life... a girlfriend, friends, acknowledgment, encouragement, to do ministry, to be stronger, the list goes on and on and on. I yearn for a lot of these things, and some of them are not bad, but when I yearn for them more than I yearn for God, that's where we have a problem, where I have a problem. But doesn't God want me to have the desires of my heart? Doesn't the Bible say that he will give them to me? This is the conclusion that I have made about that, and it's something that has changed my outlook on my desires, my priorities, the way I think, and the way I look at my life. If God is the priority, the essence of everything that I do, if I first delight myself in Him, then my priorities, my desires, will match his desires. His heart will take the place of my heart. His heart will take the place of my heart. His heart will take the place of my heart. Everything falls into perspective. I no longer yearn for a wife as much, because I yearn for God, and trust that his judgment and timing is better than mine. I no longer yearn for approval or acknowledgment, because I know I am God's and he is mine, and he has chosen me, specifically. Now does this give me all the answers, absolutely not. It gives me hope, and love, and peace. Things that only God's own heart can give fully. So I set my eyes on him. Knowing that he is God (I am, that I am). Praying that I delight myself in him, with a steadfast mind and heart, so that his desires will become my desires, and his heart will take the place of my heart.

where austin use to stand,
his humble servant now kneels.

Overwhelmed

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." -Psalm 19:14

There has been a lot on my plate lately. I am taking 19.5 credits worth of school, working 17 hours a week, planning a new ministry here on campus, about to start ministry with middle school kids again, baseball is starting, my friends need me, the list goes on and on and on it seems. And quite frankly it's starting to get to me, not much sleep, stress, anxiety, worries, and so much more. I do not know where my head is at most of the time. I am constantly distracted, worrying about what is about to happen or what I need to do or who I need to talk to about something. The best way to describe it right now is overwhelming. Somethings gotta give soon, I guess. The problem: all of those things are important to me, and I feel like I can handle them, I just have done a poor job of it lately.

So here's the paradox that I'm having.. these feelings of stress, and anxiety, and overwhelmingness (I know it's not a word but just go with it) that I am experiencing do not mesh with the Love that I wish I had for my Savior. I know for a fact that worrying is not right! I have had the conversation with many, the fact is that when we worry we are saying that God cannot handle what we are going through, or that what we can do is better than what he can do. I am so in love with my God right now that I strive for him all the time. This is where I don't think my head and my heart are matching up. My heart is telling me to just trust and relax and to focus on God, while my head is working so fast that it only realizes glimpses of my heart, like a person saying hi as they are running past you.

I know that none of this makes sense....

Okay so to make this blog even more valid, I am now continuing it some 3 weeks later. I am/was/am overwhelmed. The past two and half weeks or whatever have been... I don't know, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes (and I don't cry). Where am I? Where have I been? What am I doing? I'm lost, I'm just so apathetic. The past weeks, month, or whatever have been filled with so many up's and down's and late nights and early mornings and I just don't see them stopping anytime soon. Which is discouraging to me, very discouraging. All aspects of myself are exhausted. I have no energy or motivation or anything left really. I'm disappointed in myself for letting it get this far. I have made many mistakes and poor decisions, but I have also done something things that I know God has been involved in. I just don't know, I have felt lately that something bad is about to happen and I don't know what it is or if it even will. I'm really at a lost for words... but that was yesterday.

"But for you, O Lord, do I wait;
it is you, O Lord my God, who will
answer...
For I am ready to fall,
and my pain is ever before me.
I confess my iniquity;
I am sorry for my sin.
But my foes are vigorous, they are
mighty,
and many are those who hate me
wrongfully.
Those who render me evil for good
accuse me because I follow after good.
Do not forsake me, O Lord!
O my God, be not far from me!
Make haste to help me,
O Lord, my salvation!
-Psalm 38:15,17-22

This is the prayer that I know literally pray to myself at night, after reading it a few nights ago. I need so desperately to remind myself of God's unfailing, steadfast love for me. He is and always will be faithful to me my friend said, and I know that I really do, I guess I just forget sometimes. I lose track of things, because well my heart is in the wrong place I guess. I pray that the Lord is my salvation and that I can feel him near me at all times, because honestly I cannot feel Him right now, and it's scary. It feels like I am being attacked and I am defending myself by myself, and I know I can't hold on much longer without Him. That's why I call out for his rest, his peace, his strength, his salvation, his protection, his love. Lord I am so sorry for my sin, my error, my ignorance, my rebellion against you, I am sorry that I have pushed you away, but now I am screaming at the top of lungs for you to come back to me! All I want is you! All I need is you! God I need to hear your voice! God be the light that eliminates all my darkness! God consume me so that I may no longer be consumed by this world and the things of this world! God thank you so much for the love that you have shown me and will continue to show me, thank you for being faithful even though I may doubt you. God let me just proclaim with all that I am that "I am yours and you are mine!" God I will praise you this storm and continue to seek you. I want to see your face! I want to feel you arms around me! I want to hear your voice! God hear my cry! Come with much haste! Take all of me God, leave nothing left for me! God be my shield and refuge, be my rock and redeemer, be my all in all. For God your steadfast love is better than life, and it is because of this my lips will praise you forever and ever and ever, through the highs and lows. And to you be the glory, honor, and praise for all of eternity!

Summer10

"Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands."
-Psalm 63:3-4

Ok so there is a lot running through my mind these past few days/weeks/months but there is no way that I can even begin to tell you about all of them right now.. so this is what's up. This summer was amazing in so many different ways, God was so evident, and I was amazed to see how he showed up...

So I wrote the beginning of this post about a week ago now... I am really bad at this, but here's the thing even if I wanted to tell you about my summer you wouldn't even understand.. The easiest way for me to put it is that I traveled over 6,000 miles serving God, and watching him work in teenagers, adults, and my crew and I's lives. All I know is I want to have that feeling that I have when I serve the almighty God all the time. I'm just amazed that he even allows me to be in his plans period, let alone in his plans for other people to come to know him! like that's a big deal. So that's my summer in a nutshell, a really small nutshell... but now on to the present day...

After working and going non-stop 24/7 for the whole summer going home was rough, and being at school is rough. It's a tough adjustment because I was suddenly thrown into nothingness; nothing to do, nobody to talk to about things from this summer, no constant serving. Quite frankly I got/am kind of depressed, okay maybe that's not the right word, I'm just in a blah mood, my mind is very jello-like (technical terms I know). Well that was until about 2 hours ago then I had a talk with one of my best friends. Gosh I love this guy. This talk was refreshing, encouraging, convicting, a wake up call really... It's something that I needed.

This is where I am at now.. I want to be a servant 24/7 not because it benefits me, or makes me look like a good person, but because I love my Savior, and I love that he allows me to serve him, and I love the joy and peace and comfort (I could go on and on, but really there is no way to describe it perfectly) that fills me when I am serving him. I also want to be consumed by the God of the universe, because if I am consumed by him, there is no way that I can be consumed by my struggles. I'm not saying that I won't have them, but those problems will not destroy me, because I will have the creator of everything, the God of the heavens and earth on my side, and well that's just awesome, let's be real. God I want to be able to guard my heart, in fact I want to be able to let you be the guard of my heart, help me to let it go, to give it completely to you so that my entire being will be yours, so that only what you want will fill me. Everything is a heart issue, everything! If your heart is not in the right place, you are not in the right place. No matter what we do, it all comes back to where your heart is and what its motivation is. And I can only pray, that I get to the point that everything that I do whether it be physically, emotionally, mentally, publicly, privately, or spiritually, is because my heart is completely consumed by and in love with and taken over by Jesus. The Psalm at the beginning of this blog is something that I have been dwelling on lately. It dumbfounds me to be honest. It's saying that the love of God is greater than life. Yea I know redundant right? No! I don't think a lot of people understand or even try to understand this. Life is our motivating factor. Our individual lives are our sole reason for everything we do. And this is saying that this Love that God offers is better than any reason we can come up for doing anything. It's better than our being. That's incredible. If we could grasp this we would see that nothing we do matters, and I mean nothing, without God, without his love, without what he does for us. And for me at least, I know this, but I can't grasp it. Trying to grasp how endless the love he has for us is impossible, and I like it that way. I love the fact that I cannot wrap my mind around it, because it leaves me searching for more. It becomes my motivation, now my life is not my motivation but the one this that is better than that is, God's love. The thing that I thought was the most important thing to me, my life, is now fallen to the wayside and replaced by something so much greater Christ. And that's what the Psalmist is getting at I think. Because this love is so powerful all he can do is praise and worship God, and this is what I want. I want my life to be consumed by this love, so that all I can do is praise, and worship, and serve God.

Week 1 Plus Some.

"You will again have compassion on us;
you will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." -Micah 7:19

Ok so I apologize to all those faithful readers out there for the lack of postage on this blog in the last two weeks. But here is what you missed. Awesomeness period.

Let's just start with camp week... Racine is one of the most amazing places on the earth and God blessed me thoroughly through that camp and the people of that city. I made a ton of new friends by meeting the volunteers and staff members, and cosponsors, and campers, people who I will never forget and that I thank God for putting in my life. Now for the real gritty details, I have never been that tired in my life. Even though most of it was my fault for staying up until 1:00 a.m. or later, still I exerted so much energy that I was exhausted mentally and physically at the end of the week, for which I also thank God (because of the opportunity to serve Him in such a way). Oh and can we just talk about Thursday Night Program real quick? I was moved to tears, quite literally by the way that God was working! The only word that kept coming to my mind was joy, which is ironic for how much crying and appearing sadness there was, but to me I knew it was not sadness, it was conviction and sorrow for sins, but I also saw redemption, and growth, and comfort, and encouragement, and the most of anything I saw was love. It amazed me on how broken these kids were and how God can reveal this brokenness but also give healing and restoration in the same moment. God had/has the strongest grip on these kid's hearts and yet he handles them with the greatest of care and delicacy. He is truly amazing and to see Him work is the greatest joy in my life.

Now for the travel week this past week. Oh wait I want to take a moment and talk about my new haircut and how awesome the campers and Charlie were about the whole thing. I now have a mohawk thanks to the campers bringing in enough cans to double their original total. Charlie our cosponsor who is one of the nicest and awesome men I have met also shaved his mustache which he had had for over 20 some years. Just a small shout out to them.. check out the article about it at http://news.racinepost.com/2010/06/youth-work-for-week-and-whats-their.html but anyways now for travel and personal stuff. We traveled to cedar point which is always awesome great times there. Then we went to stay with a man named Paul right outside Detroit who lives on one of Henry Ford's old estates it was also awesome. But now we are in good ol' Canada, for our next week of camp. It should also be awesome. Something that is not awesome is my devo life right now, but something I am constantly reminded of is my goal for the summer which is the change of focus to God! Also not awesome is my insane missing of people. But now I'm rambling and it's time for bed. So goodnight I'll try to write sooner next time. Crew devos tonight Ephesians 4:1-16 good stuff.

Racine, Wisconsin (pt 2 day before camp)

YIKES it all starts tomorrow!!! Everything that I have been trained for and have been waiting for is starting tomorrow. I don't even know how to describe how I feel right now... anxious, nervous, excited, scared, confident, it's all there really! I just wanna take a minute and thank God for all that He has done for me and the power that He has given me. I know that I can do this because I trust that God is helping me. He will bless this experience and it will be a blessing to others as long as I keep the focus on Him, and that is still my primary goal. With everything, but especially with camp week. It will be easy for me to be caught up in the background things and running everything so that everybody else has a good experience and then I will think that I have to get everything done and I will have to take control of a lot, when in reality I should give it to Him. Nothing I do this week would even matter if it wasn't for Him and if He isn't here then it's all for not. So who do I think I am to think that it's because of me that these people will be able to experience Him, it will happen with or without me, and I am just blessed to be allowed by Him to be take part in it. In other things, I miss my family and the family that they are visiting right now, and I miss all my friends whether that be from training, home, or school. I really just wish that everybody could experience all of this with me. God you are my focus, and I thank you for the gifts, opportunities and blessing that you have given me. Devos tonight.. Ephesians 1:15-23 good stuff. Night Everybody.