Clarity

You are God. You are God. Of all else I'm letting go!

Okay so I don't really know where to begin, well because there is so much going on at once in my brain I can barely think straight. Welp no better place to start than the beginning...

1. I want to quit school and leave this country. Why you might ask? Well because I just want to live for Jesus all the time. I want to do ministry 24/7, and I feel like school is getting in the way of that. I don't want to have to wait 2 1/2 more years, I yearn so much to serve. I know, I know, school is there to help me prepare for ministry, to make me a better minister, but it doesn't matter how much I rationalize it, my heart wants to be in a position of serving all the time. And why out of this country you might ask? I'm over the shallowness, consumerism, and lack of commitment that this country and Christians in it have. I know that sounds harsh, but I can't stop thinking about how can I truly call myself a follower of Jesus Christ and yet live the way I do... always wanting more, thinking of only myself, and being comfortable with being comfortable. These are all things encouraged by this country but opposed by my Savior. I want to go and serve the people who have nothing, I want to show hope to the hopeless, I want to share the gospel with people who have never even heard of it. I want to be authentic in all that I do. I pray that God just gives me patience, energy, and a renewed sense of trusting him. I know his timing is better than mine, and his ways are better than mine. I just need clarity. God give me clarity.

2. My selfishness. How can I be so distraught, and worried about myself? Some people have real problems! Life and Death problems! God forgive me, for thinking of myself too much. I have friends in much need of prayer, more prayer than I could ever need, and yet when I talk to them they say "I'm praying for you, Austin." Me? Why? You need it so much than I! I want to be that unselfish, that when I'm going through life's toughest struggles (like death) I will be able to put my friends above me. With that said, I have friends who need clarity. They need to make the right decisions, and these are decisions where right is not so clear, or they refuse to see what is right. God give them clarity. Pray for clarity for my friends.

3. Irony. As I write this blog I find the irony in about everything I say. All I need to do is trust, and let go right? Right. I know this, but... but nothing "just trust" is what God says to me (literally as I am righting this). God is God and that is all I need to know. He will make all things work for my good. I need peace, and he is peace. Duh! I need clarity, but the things that are clouding my vision, I put there. The times that I feel the most alive and fulfilled and authentic is when I'm focused on Jesus. So God, help me focus. Forgive me for the things I put in my way that cloud my vision of you. Help me remove them from my sight. God for my friends please help them focus on you as well, knowing that is when clarity comes the most for them as well.

4. Prayer.

Yahweh!
I call on your most holy name right now. You are so awesome and mighty and incredible. And I am not. Thank you for your steadfast love, and untiring pursuit of my heart. God I pray for my friends, you know who they are. Protect them, Father. Be their rock, refuge, shield, and sword. God help them focus on you, so that things will be the most clear and true for them. God help their decisions line up with your will. God of Justice, be just. God of Peace, bring peace. God of Knowledge, bring wisdom. God be God. Father I pray for focus, and trust, and for your heart to take the place of mine. Thank you so much for your son and his life, death, and resurrection. To you be all the glory, honor, and praise, forever and ever. In Jesus' name, Amen.

-a man yearning to do the Father's will.

Faint Not

He is the person I miss the most.

He is the person I wish I could see right now.
He is the man that I wish I could be like.
If only I could go back and relive all those times we had together.

My heart feels a void without him, and he's not even gone yet.
I don't know what I'm suppose to feel right now, but sadness, hurt, anger, regret, are all that come to mind.
If only things could go back to how they were.
He doesn't even know who I am anymore.

I had to write a poem in a class, about the problem of theodicy (how can God allow evil in the world), I don't it just made me think more about him and it just saddened me even more. I don't know I just miss him a lot, and he has been on my heart for a long time now.

People just turn to unknown faces
And memories disappear, like a ship in the fog
I don't even remember where I am
Never have I been so afraid
How can god let this happen?
Under all that goodness why allow such suffering
"Run and get me that wrench so I can fix this here car."
There is no car there, I say to him
And the tears roll down our faces like a river.
Nothing can dam up these tears, these fears, these doubts.
Did he just forget about us, does he not care?
Joy is a foreign word to me, because I cannot see you, yet
Under your arms I am content.
Strength has left me, yet like a
Tree trunk you hold me up.
I know I shouldn't doubt you, rather I should be like the angels
Calling out "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord," because
Even in all the pain and hurt I know you are just, and that you love me.



I love you papa, and I miss you so much.

-a man who's heart is weary and hurt, but knows God love is steadfast and overwhelming.

Desires of My Heart

Psalm 37:3-4 "Trust in the Lord, and do good dwell in the land
and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart."

I don't know sometimes... what I write feels like just words, like they don't even matter. But I write anyways hoping that someone might learn from my mistakes... that I may learn from my mistakes... that maybe somehow in me writing, I may take what I know and apply it. I don't know it all just seems so frivolous. But anyways.... here's what I've been going through lately, and try to hang with me. I know I'm not the greatest writer and this is going to be hard to put into words.

Priorities. Yikes, how that word brings up so many thoughts and emotions. Just sit and dwell on it a little bit. If you're like me at all, defense is the first choice. Mine are good. I mean I love God, that's all that matters right? He is a priority on the list. He is involved in my day, but I still have other things I have to do, as well. These are just some of the thoughts that flow into my mind. I try to rationalize the fact that God is not at the forefront of my life, or my decisions, at all times. I am constantly forgetting. Forgetting how he is a jealous God, and a God who wants all of me. He does not want bits a pieces, or the leftovers. Whenever I put anything before him in my life that automatically becomes an idol and god to me. This can be anything, even things that are not sinful in themselves, relationships, ministries, just everyday life (just anything that comes between you and your focus on God and his will).

Selfishness. It's another word that I would deny is me in a heartbeat. I do things for other people. I hold the door for people. I'm nice. I care. I buy my friends food... but if we get down to it the majority, if not all, of our thoughts, words, actions are centered around what is best for us. This is the main thing that gets in the way of us and God. I believe that almost, and most likely, every single sin can be traced back to pride or selfishness in some way. Why do we think that we know what is better for us over God? It dumbfounds me. In my time of distress, I quickly start looking for solutions, which is a bad thing necessarily, but those solutions come from me, and my thinking, and what I think is best for me. And yet I say God is a priority. A part of my life. Here's the thing and listen to me close... God does not want to be "a" priority in our lives. He wants to be "the" priority. In fact, He demands nothing less. He will not accept anything less. How can I profess one thing with my mouth, and live in a different manner? How can I say God is Lord of my life and not show it in every thing big, small, important, minuscule, routine that I do? God will not except my lukewarmness! He will spit me out! I know that it seems like I'm preaching but this is something that is hitting me harder than it will probably hit any of you.

The Priority. God. Simple as that right? Yes... really it is. How can it be that simple though? Reread the verse at the top of the page. This is what I got out of it, in the context of priorities, and the desires of my heart. God does not just want to on the list of priorities you have, he wants to be the essence, the fulfillment, the basis for all of those priorities. I want so much in my life... a girlfriend, friends, acknowledgment, encouragement, to do ministry, to be stronger, the list goes on and on and on. I yearn for a lot of these things, and some of them are not bad, but when I yearn for them more than I yearn for God, that's where we have a problem, where I have a problem. But doesn't God want me to have the desires of my heart? Doesn't the Bible say that he will give them to me? This is the conclusion that I have made about that, and it's something that has changed my outlook on my desires, my priorities, the way I think, and the way I look at my life. If God is the priority, the essence of everything that I do, if I first delight myself in Him, then my priorities, my desires, will match his desires. His heart will take the place of my heart. His heart will take the place of my heart. His heart will take the place of my heart. Everything falls into perspective. I no longer yearn for a wife as much, because I yearn for God, and trust that his judgment and timing is better than mine. I no longer yearn for approval or acknowledgment, because I know I am God's and he is mine, and he has chosen me, specifically. Now does this give me all the answers, absolutely not. It gives me hope, and love, and peace. Things that only God's own heart can give fully. So I set my eyes on him. Knowing that he is God (I am, that I am). Praying that I delight myself in him, with a steadfast mind and heart, so that his desires will become my desires, and his heart will take the place of my heart.

where austin use to stand,
his humble servant now kneels.